Love Is...What??

LOVE.

What is it?

Pop culture has come up with many suggestions, which have been broadly expressed through popular music over the past few decades...

Tina Turner lamented, "What's love, but a second hand emotion"  
Pat Benatar declared, "Love is a battlefield"
Bette Midler suggested, "Some say love, is a river, that drowns the tender reed"... among other things!
In the movie Frozen, Hans and Anna shared the view that, "Love is an open door"
Alannah Myles decided, "Love is what you want it to be"
Mariah Carey claimed, "I had a vision of love"
McFly celebrated, "If this is love, then love is easy"

Whereas...

Barry White acknowledged that, "Love ain't easy"

While...

Foreigner had no idea, asking, "I want to know what love is"
Neither did Haddaway who repeatedly asked the question, 
"What is love?"

Who gets to define love?
What are the parameters for love?
Should there be any limitations to love?

If the tone of current social dialogue is any indicator, there seems to be a resurgence of the 60's free love social movement where all forms of love are accepted.  This liberated view of love has been recently amplified by the following two popular phrases making their rounds through social and mainstream media:

"Love is love."  
"Love is never wrong."

On the surface, these two statements present an all inclusive view of love and define love as something that cannot be contained by cultural, religious or social values.  This is an ideology that suggests love should transcend the complex values that make up a diverse society. Yet, the truth is, these statements contain their own underlying values asserting the idea that love is relative and should be devoid of judgement. In other words, love in any form is acceptable because "love is love" and "love is never wrong."

Suspending my own values for a moment, such a view of love could only really work in an Utopian society where human beings consistently exercise their freedom to express unconstrained love without violating the freedom of others to do the same.  Of course, such a society doesn't exist!  In direct contrast to this Utopian worldview is a society where we don't need to look too far beyond our own biases to see where an unconstrained view of love can lead.  I'll return to that point in a moment. Here lies one of many problems with this view of love.  When what seems or feels right for me conflicts with what seems or feels right for you, neither party has the right to inhibit the other within this framework of thinking, because my view of love is as valid as yours.  Apply this line of thought within a community where what seems or feels right causes deep divisions or alternatively finds enough common ground and the definition and boundaries surrounding love becomes a very fluid and messy space.  Given the complexity and diversity of humankind, to say that "love is love" and "love is never wrong" with this understanding is naive at best and dangerous at worst.

Back to where this may lead.  The pathway for a "love is love" and "love is never wrong" philosophy is completely subject to individual morality which can lead to expressions of love that stray far from previously held values, bringing what was once considered taboo into the realm of acceptability. Earlier, I looked to popular music to illustrate diverse definitions of love, now let's take a brief look at some popular television programs to illustrate this point about the direction of where unconstrained love has actually taken us already...

Big Love (Drama):  The story of a polygamist and his relationship with his three wives.
Modern Family (Comedy, Romance):  Three different, but related families depicting a gay relationship, blended family, and older man younger woman relationship.
Dating Naked (Reality TV):  A reality series in which a man and a woman date two different naked suitors on a remote exotic location.
Married at First Sight (Reality TV):  A reality show that follows singles yearning for a life-long partnership as they agree to a provocative proposal: getting legally married to a stranger the moment they first meet.
Seven Year Switch (Reality TV):  Four married couples try to save their marriages by entering into a social experiment where the four couples switch spouses and live with another participants spouse for two weeks as husband and wife.
The L Word (Drama, Romance):  Follows the lives and loves of a small, close-knit group of lesbians living in Los Angeles as well as the friends and family members that either support or loathe them.

Skins (Drama):  The story of a group of British teens who are trying to grow up and find love and happiness despite questionable parenting and teachers who want more to be friends (and lovers) rather than authority figures.

Games of Thrones (Adventure, Drama, Fantasy):  Depicts the incestuous relationship between brother and sister twins in the mythical continent of Westeros, where several powerful families fight for control of the Seven Kingdoms.
Sex and the City (Comedy, Drama, Romance):  Four female New Yorkers gossip about their sex lives (or lack thereof) and find new ways to deal with being a woman in the '90s.

The degree of controversy surrounding the diverse expressions of love represented in this small selection of television programs diminishes the further down the road of relative morality society travels. Follow this journey far enough to its logical conclusion and there will no longer be any limits to what love means and how it is manifested.  This presents society with a paradoxical dilemma. How then does society respond to issues like arranged marriages?  On what basis can society judge pornography or prostitution as exploitation of consenting women?  How can a society legislate against incestuous marriages while advocating to legalise same-sex marriages?  Who can really say that polygamy is morally inferior to monogamy?  Before you dismiss this line of inquiry as pushing the law of logical equivalence too far, I dare you to have a frank conversation with a group of teenagers about the acceptability of the themes presented in these television programs to see that I have haven't ventured very far down that pathway at all. And in case you want to counter my argument with this is not 'real' love, then my point has been well made.

If 'love is love' and 'love is never wrong', society has no solid foundation upon which to determine what is an accurate definition or appropriate expression of love other than the moral judgement of the dominant culture. It doesn't take a history major or a sociology and anthropology degree to see how well that has served humanity! So, again I ask...

Who gets to define love?
What are the parameters for love?
Should there be any limitations to love?

To answer these questions from another perspective, I offer a biblical worldview that is centred upon the foundational belief that "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth" (Genesis 1:1). As the Creator of all things, "God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them" (Genesis 1:27), which set the pattern for human sexuality and the parameters for human relationships; "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).  Jesus reinforced this pattern and these parameters by referencing their origin when questioned about marriage and divorce, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:4-5).  The Apostle Paul referred to the same origin when he used the pattern and parameters for marriage as an analogy for Christ's relationship to the church, ""For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church" (Ephesians 5:31-32).

Based upon this biblical foundation for human relationships, which has remained unchanged from Creation to the early Church throughout the entire narrative of Scripture, we are better positioned to respond to these questions about love because we have a point of reference that establishes God as the Creator and the ultimate source of authority to set the pattern and parameters for love.

Therefore...

"Who gets to define love?"
The answer is God, the Creator of humankind, "for love comes from God" (1 John 4:7) and "we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us [because] God is love... (1 John 4:16). Furthermore, "This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him" (1 John 4:9), so given that "in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form" (Colossians 2:9), it is through the life, teaching and ministry of Jesus Christ that love is both defined and demonstrated.

"What are the parameters for love?"
The parameters for love were best expressed by Jesus when questioned about the greatest commandment in the law:   "Jesus replied, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments" (Matthew 22:37-40).  According to Jesus, love provides the context for the commandments, which govern the way we relate to God and to each other.

"Should there be any limitations to love?"
Having established that 'love comes from God' and love is the context for the two 'greatest commandments', it stands to reason that any definition or expression of love that does not align with God's character or violates God's commandments, as personified by Jesus Christ, falls outside the biblical framework for love.  These limits have been revealed by God in Scripture, which "is foundational for believers in every generation in that it provides the interpretive framework for the Christian community" (Stanley Grenz).

Building on this foundation, the Apostle Paul eloquently articulated the biblical pattern and parameters for love in his letter to the Corinthian church to address a number of issues that reflected their cultural biases in the way they related to God and each other. Note how he prefaced his explanation of love in their particular context...

"And now I will show you the most excellent way..." (1 Corinthians 12:31)

Paul was not ambiguous in presenting an alternative framework for love that dismissed any hint of a "love is love" or "love is never wrong" kind of mindset within his audience.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

"Love is patient, love is kind. 
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 
It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  
Love never fails." 

"But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13)

As an 'interpretive framework', Scripture provides a consistent point of reference to understand the depth and breadth of God's love and how He intended His creation to experience and express His love within a constantly changing society.  Whether or not you embrace this biblical framework for love is actually not the point of this post.  The purpose of this post is to invite you to engage with this biblical framework to stimulate a rethink of the implications of an unconstrained view of love in any relational context and critically examine how that can play out among people who insist on "doing what is right in their own eyes" (Judges 17:6).

The alternative worldview I've presented reframes the phrases under discussion with a belief that "love comes from God" and He sets the pattern and parameters for love.

Because...

"God is love."
"God is never wrong."

 
As a postscript, I wonder if you could imagine for a moment how different the world would be if we had the humility to surrender "what is right in [our] own eyes" (Judges 17:6) and the faith to submit to the Creator of humankind who declared, “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways” (Isaiah 55:8-9).  Imagine if we adopted a biblical framework for love that "is not self-seeking" but instead pursues "the most excellent way" as declared by Jesus (Matthew 22:37-40) and defined by Paul (1 Corinthians 13).  Imagine if we actually believed that "God is love" and "God is never wrong" and filtered all of our relationships through His pattern and parameters for love.  Jesus not only imagined such a reality but incarnated it through a counter-cultural and kingdom oriented paradigm (Matthew 5-7).

Cross-Cultural Ministry

"The Salvation Army, an international movement, is an evangelical part of the universal Christian
Church.  Its message is based on the Bible. Its ministry is motivated by the love of God. Its mission
is to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ and to meet human needs in His name without discrimination."

The Salvation Army International Mission Statement

As a part of this international movement I not only see the internationalism of The Salvation Army expressed in various nations from a distance but up close through diverse cultural expressions in my own ministry context in Australia.  This creates a rich and complex cross-cultural mission field for me and my church.  

While I personally have a culturally diverse heritage, with Maltese blood and Italian and German grandparents, I am Australian born and was spiritually raised in an English speaking, mono-cultural church in a working-class suburb in Melbourne.  Yet, growing up, my best friend was Croatian and some of my class mates were from a Lebanese, Egyptian, Turkish and Greek background.

Our training as Salvation Army Officers was alongside an Indonesian cadet who trained with us in Melbourne. Our first appointment was in the Northern Territory where we engaged with the Indigenous community and hosted a number of YWAM discipleship training teams from south-east Asia and Europe.  Through successive appointments we have led short-term mission trips to Chiang Mai in Thailand, and Denpasar, Jakarta and Palu in Indonesia.  In our current appointment we have an active ministry to asylum seekers from Afghanistan, Sri Lanka and Egypt; conduct English classes for a diverse range of nationalities; participate in inter-faith dialogue with Pakistanis from the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community; provide facilities for local Christian Indian prayer groups; and have a large multi-cultural volunteer base.

It is any wonder that God has birthed within us a passion for cross-cultural ministry!  However, despite our passion, how do we effectively lead and minister in this space?

Most of our cross-cultural ministry has been accidental, providing us with steep learning curves that have demanded far more intentional responses.  Our growing awareness of other cultures has led both me and my wife into formal learning pathways to educate and equip us to navigate this culturally diverse ministry landscape.

Recently, I was asked to make a presentation to our Growing Healthy Corps group about some cross-cultural ministry insights we have learned along the way.  We are far from experts and feel at times we have little clue about what we are doing in a very complex and fluid environment.  Nevertheless, our journey so far has instilled within us four fundamental beliefs and three missional convictions about cross-cultural ministry.

Cross-Cultural Ministry - 4 Fundamental Beliefs

1. The Creator reveals Himself to ALL humankind (Romans 1:20)
2. God's desire is for ALL to be saved (2 Peter 3:9)
3. Holy Spirit is preparing hearts for salvation (John 16:7-15)
4. Jesus Christ is the only way to salvation (Acts 4:12)

These four fundamental beliefs enable me to interact with different cultures and other faiths from a different position than from my evangelical upbringing.  First, we don't need to take God anywhere, He is already present, providing all people with a partial revelation of the Creator God through His creation.  Second, no culture or religion is outside of the scope of God's salvation.  Third, Holy Spirit is at work long before us, therefore, our role is to 'join in on a conversation that has already begun.'  Finally, a full revelation of God can only be seen through Jesus Christ.

Cross-Cultural Ministry - 3 Missional Convictions

The Apostle Paul's interaction with the men of Athens (Acts 17:16-34) has given form to my fundamental beliefs by providing a biblical framework that has produced my missional convictions about cross-cultural ministry:

While Paul was waiting for them in Athens, he was greatly distressed to see that the city was full of idols. So he reasoned in the synagogue with both Jews and God-fearing Greeks, as well as in the marketplace day by day with those who happened to be there. (Acts 17:16-17)

Conviction #1 - Look for where God is already present

"Cross-cultural witnesses need to look for such indications of God's prior working in whatever societies they go to and work in continuity with them."

Charles H. Kraft, Anthropology for Christian Witness

Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: “People of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: to an unknown god. So you are ignorant of the very thing you worship—and this is what I am going to proclaim to you. (Acts 17:22-23) 

Conviction #2 - Listen for gaps in their revelation of God

"As we work with the people, we need to find out what kinds of questions they are asking for which they are unable to find answers within their culture."

Charles H. Kraft, Anthropology for Christian Witness

 

From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’ (Acts 17:26-28)

Conviction #3 - Learn how to share a revelation of Jesus

"It is very significant to me that Jesus was a storyteller.  

We westerners are sermonizers, and there is a big difference between the effectiveness of a storytold message and a sermonized message."

Charles H. Kraft, Anthropology for Christian Witness

These three missional convictions are not only a three step process for sharing the gospel in a cross-cultural context but in any context.  They create a posture of looking, listening and learning that fosters what Clark Pinnock calls a dialogical relationship, which is foundational to effective cross-cultural ministry.

"We should watch for whatever Spirit may be teaching and doing among them.  This posture creates the possibility of a dialogical relationship.  We can enter into the faith of others and acknowledge truths and values found there.  These are our fellow human beings, seeking truth as we are.  God is reaching out, and people are responding.  So let us watch for points of contact and bridges of communication." - Clark H. Pinnock, Flame of Love

Paul personified a dialogical relationship with the men of Athens that enabled him to recognise where God was at work, identify a gap in their knowledge and evoke from them a relational response, "We want to hear you again on this subject" (Acts 17:32).  The result?  "Some of the people became followers of Paul and believed."

This has completely changed my approach to evangelism in all contexts, especially cross-culturally!  As a cross-cultural minister I should maintain the attitude of a fellow learner who is also on a faith journey.  As a cross-cultural minister I need to tune into the universal work of the Spirit and share it's unique expression in Jesus Christ.  As a cross-cultural minister my role is to join in on a conversation that has already begun.  

"We have to say both yes and no to other religions.  On the one hand, we should accept any spiritual depth and truth in them.  On the other hand, we must reject darkness and error and at the very least see other faiths as insufficient apart from fulfilment in Christ.  The key is to hold fast to two truths:  the universal operations of grace and the uniqueness of its manifestation in Jesus Christ." - Clark H. Pinnock, Flame of Love

Art Of Conversation

Isn't it interesting that we live in a time when communication couldn't be easier or more accessible through the medium of smart phones, social networks, email, Skype and other forms of technology, yet actual face-to-face conversation seems to be a diminishing art form?

In my leadership and ministry role, I get to converse with a variety of people from diverse backgrounds and I have noticed four types of people who engage in conversations...

1. Those who aren't fully there
2. Those who over share
3. Those who constantly compare
4. Those who don't care

As I observe and engage in all sorts of conversations I have also noticed some conversation killers common to these four groups of people.  These observations are not only of others but of myself, as I am a passionate, talkative and opinionated person who is often guilty of perpetrating these conversation killers in my own conversations!   

What are they, you may ask?  

Let me answer by offering six conversation cultivators that seek to remove the conversation killers and restore the art of conversation...

1. TUNE IN - Be fully present in your conversations.  Put your phone away, remove distactions and look people in the eye when you talk to them.  Let them know that they have your undivided attention.
2. TEST INTEREST - Give a snapshot or summary before telling the whole story.  Don't assume others will be as interested in a detailed account as you are.  Share enough information for them to want to hear more.
3. TAKE A BREATH - Provide escape routes.  There are a variety of reasons why a person may want or need to exit a conversation.  Also, give them a chance to engage in dialogue, not just listen to a monologue.
4. TALK LESS - Don't forget to listen!  Active listening often speaks louder than our words.  It says that you want to hear as much as you want to be heard.  It fosters mutual interest in each others stories.
5. TRANSLATE SIGNS - Observe body language and emotions.  It is said that communication is only 7% of the words we use and the rest is made up by our tone and non-verbal indicators.
6. TRY NOT TO COMPARE - Avoid counter-stories.  You may identify with a story or have a similar experience, but the quickest way to kill a conversation is to divert attention to yourself and risk making the conversation all about you.

Effective communication is essential to all relationships and face-to-face conversation remains the foundation to all human interaction.  Avoiding conversation killers will enable us to rediscover and restore the art of conversation.

Who Is Speaking Into Your Life?

Coming home from an inspiring Men's Retreat gives you much to reflect upon after sitting under godly leadership and enjoying the fellowship of other like-minded men!

The theme of the retreat was "Only Men Aloud", a clever play on words that focused on men finding and using their voices to speak out as anointed men of God.  Guest leader Commissioner Floyd Tidd spoke from the book of Acts to draw on the lives of three men whose relationships with God and each other encourage us to find and nurture "solid brotherly relationships" that speak into our lives.

Based on the three men identified in Acts, we have a pattern for three key relationships we need in our lives...

1.  Paul is the one who is a couple of steps ahead of you - a MENTOR

2.  Barnabas is the one who walks alongside you - an ENCOURAGER

3.  Timothy is the one whose life you are investing into - a PROTEGE

After examining the influence of these three men, the questions were asked, "Who is your Paul?  Who is your Barnabas?  Who is your Timothy?

As I reflect on my spiritual and leadership journey, I am immensely grateful for the key people who have influenced my life, investing in my growth and development.  I am also humbled by the opportunity I have to influence the lives of others, investing into their journey.  Therefore, in the wake of the Men's Retreat I thought it appropriate to honour those who are a Paul to me, encourage those who are my Barnabas, and affirm my commitment to those who are a Timothy in my life today.

1.  Paul (Mentor/s)

There are people whom I consider to be a mentor from afar - Bill Hybels, Patrick Lencioni, John Maxwell, Wayne Cordeiro, Andy Stanley, Erwin McManus, among others, whose writing, speaking and example has provided me with a significant platform of learning for my development as a leader and maturity as a Christian.

Then there are people with whom I meet in person formally or informally from time to time - Pastor Danny Guglielmucci, Pastor Michael Grechko, Majors Len & Marney Turner, Major Sam Hancock.  Their godly and wise leadership teaches and challenges me to become a better leader.

2.  Barnabas (Encouragers)

The people who journey alongside me and I them are a few colleagues and friends with a shared vision and heart for mission and leadership - Major Andrew Craib, Major Gary Grant, Major Nyoman Timonuli, Loren Pratt.

The other people in my life who are very much encouragers for me and whose support and friendship I deeply value - Ian Abbott, Mark Creasey, Chris Garcia.

The person who has and continues to fulfill both roles of Paul and Barnabas for me is my dad - Robert Evans Snr.

And the most significant person in my life who is always alongside me is my wife and partner in ministry - Vanessa Evans.

3.  Timothy (Proteges)

Within my current ministry appointment I have responsibility for the discipleship and development of the next generation of leaders in our church through a program called Corps Cadets - Rebekah Evans, Adam Evans, Jessica Whittaker, Emily Simmonds, Cassie Simmonds, Luke Barratt, Caitlin Barratt, Danielle McMahon, Cassie Janssen, Michaela Dinas. I also fulfil my leadership mantle to "equip the people of God for the work of the ministry" by mentoring and coaching those on our current leadership and ministry teams.

There have been way too many others from previous appointments to name whom I have had the privilege to nurture in their faith journey and invest into their leadership and ministry development. It gives me incredible joy to play a small part in the growth and development of another person.

Such a reflection exercise is a strong reminder of how important godly relationships are in our journey of faith!  I am largely the person I am today because of the people who enlarge me, encourage me and entrust me with a part of their journey.

Who is speaking into your life?

Who is your Paul?  Who is your Barnabas?  Who is your Timothy?

Our Top 10 Marriage Principles

Today, I celebrated 21 years of marriage to Vanessa and have much cause to give thanks to God for an extraordinary journey of life and love with the person I promised to "love, comfort, honour and sustain...forsaking all others, [and] be faithful to as long as [we] both shall live."

It is easy to recite these words in a moment during a wedding ceremony but much harder to live them out for a lifetime throughout a marriage.  Our marriage has had moments when we have been far from loving towards each other, times when our words have not been very honouring and occasions when our resources or priorities have been barely sustaining.  Yet, despite these challenging times, somehow, the commitment we made to each other 21 years ago has kept us faithful to these promises, forsaking anything and anyone that would threaten our relationship.

How is this possible in a time when there has been a seismic shift in attitude towards the pattern and permanence of marriage and in a culture where divorce rates are at an all time high?  

Twenty one years of marriage does not make us experts nor does it give us immunity to the challenges of an unknown future, but it has provided us with a real time laboratory to learn and apply some principles that have helped us along our journey.  While there is so much we have yet to discover and so much we still get wrong, maybe there is something from our journey so far that might empower another couple to go the distance.

So, for what it's worth, here are our top 10 relationship principles that have helped us in our marriage:

1. Divorce is not an option!

This is not a denial of reality or a judgement on divorce, but a conscious decision we made as we prepared to be married.  Maybe, we were young and naive, but taking divorce off the table before we encountered any real problems gave us two options when we did - sort it out or stay miserable!  It is crazy how much this simplistic determination has helped us to deal with some of the toughest of times.  When tempted to deny, blame or avoid, knowing that neither of us is going to walk away gives us the space and security to find a solution.

2. Never let the sun go down on your anger

This biblical wisdom from Ephesians 4:26 has protected us from allowing resentment and bitterness to infest our relationship.  When applied, it is impossible to stay angry!  That doesn't always mean disagreements are solved in a day, but it does mean that we can go to bed with the right attitude to work towards a resolution the next day.

3. Always admit when you are wrong and never be too proud to say sorry

I learned this lesson at high school when a year level coordinator I didn't care for much coached me into returning to the classroom to apologise for my behaviour in front of my peers.   This humbling experience has served me in every personal and professional relationship since.  As a husband, father and leader of a church, being willing to admit my mistakes and say sorry for my part in any conflict has been the single most powerful contributor to resolving relationship issues.

4. Set clear relationship boundaries

In our roles as church leaders we spend a lot of time interacting with people of the opposite sex, however, we never do this alone or without each others knowledge!  There is a vulnerability that exists when people with unmet physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual needs make a connection with someone who seems to understand them better than their partner.  We have seen way too many innocent relationships that start for all the right reasons cause irreparable damage to marriages because they develop for all the wrong reasons. 

5. Trust your partners instincts

As a guy who values relationships with other people and enjoys open and friendly conversation, I am often clueless to signs of 'over friendly' or flirtatious behavour.  I used to dismiss my wife's radar as insecurity, however, her instincts have proven to be more right than wrong.  And even, on the rare occasion, she is wrong, why would I want to interact with another woman in a way that risks eroding the foundation of trust in our relationship?  This is one place where "forsaking all others" should not be ignored.

6. Schedule time with each other

We seem to be living in an increasingly time poor society, where there are so many demands on our time.  Our children, busy schedules, driven natures and mission focus has taught us the hard way that we need to be very intentional about scheduling time to nurture our relationship with each other.  This may sound a bit clinical, but we have discovered that unless we plan to do something as simple as going out for a coffee together or seeing a movie, it often doesn't happen.

7. Spend time alone

As much as spending time together is crucial for a marriage, it is as equally important to spend time alone or with friends doing the stuff you love.  I love cycling and photography, Vanessa loves scrap booking and shopping.  When we invest time in these activities our energy and tolerance levels are higher than when we don't.  It almost feels counter-intuitive in a marriage relationship, but when we look after ourselves we are far better equipped to look after each other.

8. Know what fills each others tank

Bringing the last two principles together, we have learned how important it is to discover what energises each other and to make sure that this input exceeds our output.  Pastor Wayne Cordeiro gave a powerful lesson at a Willow Creek Leadership Summit where he taught and illustrated this idea with a tank that needs to be constantly filled so it doesn't run empty by the things that drain it.  If we continually allow our tank to drain, without knowing what fills it, and run on empty long enough, we put ourselves at serious risk of being emotionally, physically or spiritually depleted, leaving nothing left for our marriage.

9. Have an aligned faith journey

As a Christian couple we have centred our marriage on Jesus Christ who is the foundation of our faith experience.  I have often drawn a simple triangle for other Christian couples (the same diagram could be applied to any faith perspective) putting a cross at the apex of the triangle to represent Jesus and each others name at the opposite corners of the base to illustrate the importance of having an aligned faith journey.  The distance between each other along the base of the triangle decreases when we are both focused on Jesus and are moving in the same direction closer towards Him on our faith journey.  If one of us goes off course, no matter how close the other may be moving towards Christ, the gap between each other increases.  For a marriage to remain centred on Jesus Christ, it is so important to grow together and stay aligned in our journey of faith.

10. Pray together!

There is a saying that asserts, "A family (couple) that prays together, stays together."  It is true!

Client or Guest?

Recent conversations in some ministry networks I am involved with have got me thinking again about the labels we use to describe or categorise the people we engage with in ministry.  In my particular ministry context we refer to people who shop in our Thrift Shop as "customers", people who access our Welfare service as "clients" and the people who attend Church are generically referred to as "members".  While there is nothing inherently wrong with these labels, it is the label "client" that has sat uncomfortable with me for some time.  

A client by definition is "a person or organization using the services of a lawyer or other professional person or company."  Our clients are indeed people who use our services, but is that fundamentally who they are - "service users" (another label that creates even more discomfort in my spirit) and is that the primary purpose for our interaction with them?  The label client is a professional label that has been applied in a community service and church context to keep a professional distance between those who serve and those whom we serve.  Along with this label is usually an environment that reinforces this professional distance between our clients and staff.  This may work in a secular context, but I am seriously questioning whether it really fits in a church context.  

Church, at its best, is all about community and relationship where we participate in personal transformation, whereas, a client culture is all about them and us, where we engage in a professional transaction.  So, what's the alternative?

It was refreshing to here an alternative label used when listening to a colleague share about an exciting initiative of his church that creates community with some of the most vulnerable people in the Adelaide CBD through a ministry called Do Unto Others (DUOs).  He constantly referred to the people they serve as "guests" and the environment created reflects just that!  It is friendly, interactive and all about community, personifying the image I have of the early church.

Maybe if we interacted with the people we serve more as our "guests" than our "clients" we could replace the professional distance with personal relationships that demonstrate the love and grace of Jesus Christ through participation in a transformational community called the church.

Testimony Of Faith

Tonight, I was granted the privilege of witnessing the testimony of faith of a very close friend who has recently committed his life to Christ.  Our lives intersected 16 years ago during my first appointment as a Salvation Army Officer.  We became good friends and developed a mutual respect for each other despite the differences between our faith perspectives and worldviews.  Through the years of our friendship I have unapologetically lived out my faith but have given Holy Spirit space to speak into the life of my friend through the integrity of our friendship.  This has been a shared journey of faith with other mutual friends who have also bore witness to the love of Christ and have equally invested into this friendship.  God's faithfulness, authentic relationships and consistent witness have played a significant role in this life submitting to Jesus Christ!

Words cannot adequately express the joy I felt tonight hearing this testimony of faith together with another couple who have shared a part of this journey!  My friend's new commitment to Jesus has reinforced what I consider to be fundamental elements in any faith journey:

Universality of the Spirit - Holy Spirit is already at work in the hearts and minds of unbelievers, leading them towards a revelation of Jesus Christ.

Authentic Relationships - Relationships must be real and not conditional upon a commitment of faith, nor should people be treated as an evangelical project.

Consistent Witness - It is true that actions speak louder than words.  There must be an alignment between the way we live and what we profess.

Persistent Prayer - Don't give up praying for those whom God has placed on your heart. God is faithful and it is His will that none be lost (John 6:39).

Shared Journey - Never underestimate the role you play in a person's faith journey!  You may not be the one to lead them across the line of salvation, but your influence may advance their journey toward that commitment.

Doing Life Together

Tonight, we said good-bye to an extraordinary group of people with whom we have formed a small community we call a "Life Group" in our church.  We are four families at a similar stage of life, with kids around the same age and a mutual desire to encourage each other in our faith journey.  Over the past four years we have met in each others homes every fortnight for a meal, fellowship, discussion, study of the Word, pastoral support and prayer.

Our Life Group has provided an evironment for us to engage in authentic relationships with other like-minded people who really enjoy doing life together.  We have laughed, cried, debated and shared an intimacy as friends that I have never before experienced as a Corps Officer (Pastor).  This group has allowed us to build a foundation of trust that has taken the relationship with our Life Group members far deeper than a traditional Officer (Pastor) - Soldier (Parishioner) relationship.  As a result, we have grown as much as the other members of the group; we have experienced love and care as much as the other members; and we have experienced something akin to what I imagine the Acts 2 church to be like (Acts 2:42-47).

I cannot imagine settling for anything less than an experience of church that involves doing life together with a small group of Christ followers who have "devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer" (Acts 2:42) and where "All the believers [are] together and [have] everything in common" (Acts 2:44).

Who Are You Listening To?

As I engage in a variety of coaching, mentoring and pastoral relationships I observe a concerning pattern in how people navigate through challenging life issues.  When life gets tough there is a tendency to take the path of least resistance by withdrawing from people who will confront and gravitating towards people who will comfort.  In other words, we look for people who will tell us what we want to hear rather than those who will tell us what we need to hear!  This is a pattern that I see manifested in almost every area of life:

A couple going through a marriage crisis withdraws from mutual friends who see both sides of the relationship and gravitates towards people who will affirm their respective points of view.

A Christian who is struggling with faith withdraws from the fellowship of the Church and gravitates towards people who offer a more humanistic worldview.

A leader overwhelmed by the demands and expectations of leadership withdraws from positive networks and gravitates towards other disillusioned leaders.

While I don't pretend to understand the psychology of this pattern of behaviour, it is indicative of a 'fear of conflict' and 'avoidance of accountability' that seems so prevalent in our society.  This is not just an external observation, but one that comes from self-awareness of similar patterns I've wrestled with in my own life.  It is a strange paradox how human beings will withdraw from the very people who will contribute to our growth and gravitate towards people who will perpetuate our struggle.

In my discipleship and leadership journey I have learned the value of pursuing relationships with people who are further along their journey than me.  If I want to develop as a leader, then I need to align myself with leaders who are more experienced than I am.  If I want to seek marriage advice, then I need to interact with couples who have a strong and healthy relationship.  If I want to grow spiritually, then I need to worship and fellowship with the body of Christ.  For these relationships to really impact my life there needs to be a level of vulnerability and accountability where I am not afraid to engage in tough conversations and hear the things I don't want to hear.  It has been my experience that this is usually the point where people disengage.

We all like to be comforted during challenging times, but it is the willingness to engage in the conflict, in the context of accountable relationships, that we will grow through these challenges.